Many of us enjoy a unique and special bond with our pets. But the huge impact they have on us makes losing them incredibly difficult. For some, the intense emotion around pet loss is almost too much to bear and can lead to a very specific type of grief which, much as they love us, friends and family don’t always fully understand. It can also lead to a crippling sense of isolation and loneliness.
This is exactly the moment when contacting someone who really ‘gets’ how you feel can be so important – and the free Blue Cross Pet Loss Support Service is waiting to help.
The head of this service is Diane James and in a podcast for The Consult Room, Diane shared information about the service and its fantastic team of volunteers.
Please be advised that this content includes conversations about pet euthanasia, pet loss and grief which some people may find upsetting. However, you are not alone and learning more about this great service and the people behind it may help with your own personal experience.
A little of the history
The Blue Cross Pet Loss Support Service started in 1994, originally as a telephone-based befriending service. From about 2012, this growing service became a virtual call centre run entirely by volunteers, as Diane explained:
‘We now have 227 volunteers, based all around the UK. As a virtual call centre, we have webchat, email and Facebook. The service is free, open every day of the year from 8.30am to 8.30pm and we’re there to support – and it’s really important that people know we’re not counsellors – we’re there to support, listen and signpost people for any type of loss.’
Developing the service
After almost 30 years, the bereavement service has developed and increased considerably, particularly as technology has leapt into our day-to-day communications and ways of making contact with people and services have become so much easier.
Diane’s own daughter inspired development of the service’s recent online platforms, including web chat and Facebook, to fit in with the demand from the service’s wide demographic. The private Facebook group has grown extremely quickly, with over 12000 members in its first year and over 17000 members by December 23 – all individuals with the sadness of pet loss in common.
Whilst the service mainly has UK-based enquiries, its email service also receives emails from around the world, including South America, Canada, Australia.
Support beyond bereavement
Whilst we commonly associate pet loss with bereavement, and the service does feature bereavement support, Diane is emphatic that the service is open for pet owners suffering all types of loss – including theft, lost, stolen and missing or having to rehome for any reason:
‘If you’ve had a pet that has been lost or stolen, there’s no closure if the animal doesn’t come back. Often that can be worse than loss by the death of a pet because you never know what happened. So we’re there to support, listen, signpost and give people information as to where they might look for the pet, who they could contact, make posters and other things they may not have thought of.’
Loss and hardship
The current cost of living crisis is also creating another type of pet loss. After a rise in calls during the pandemic, the Blue Cross service is now seeing a similar increase in demand as people face financial hardship, as Diane shared:
‘In the environment that we’re sadly living in today, we’re starting to experience calls we’ve never had before. Where people are unable to pay for treatment for animals, they’re leaving them; where they can’t afford the out of hours treatment they’ll wait, so sadly the animal has to wait all weekend to go to the vets; they’re struggling to feed the pets and saddest of all – which really makes my heartache – if they can’t afford to solely cremate the pet, they’ll have it communally cremated and not get the ashes back or they’re having to go and bury them in forests or areas where they can for free and that really is sad.’
Asking for help
Every lost pet is unique and so is that moment when grieving owners decide to reach out to the pet bereavement service. But a common theme is that so many pet owners feel those around them don’t understand what they’re going through, as Diane highlighted:
‘The common term is known as disenfranchised grief – where people don’t quite understand the effect that a pet’s loss will have on the person that’s loved it, owned it and been there. I think what drives them to us [BCPBS] is the fact we’re all like-minded people, we’ve all loved and lost, it’s non judgemental, totally impartial and confidential and I think that in itself is really unique.’
Whilst the service relates to pet loss, it’s easy to recognise that, whilst pet loss can be the trigger for an owner to call, there may also be many more emotions and reasons for overwhelming grief in the background. Diane explained that research has shown that the emotions when a person loses a pet are in sync with the grief cycles from losing a human being. However, there are some key differences, particularly around the guilt of making that life-ending decision for a pet and Blue Cross completely understands this:
‘In 2020 we devised the Pet Grief Cycle because the differences that can be found when you lose a pet needed to be recognised; anticipatory grief and also the huge amount of guilt that’s experienced.’
Echo-grief is also a huge emotional response when it comes to the loss of a pet and Diane shared how this occurs:
‘If I had a partner who sadly passed away but we shared a pet, when my dog dies not only do I suffer the loss of the dog but also suffer the loss of the memories of the partner I had with that dog. We call the term echo-grief where it brings back the losses, then not only can it be the loss I experienced there, it can also be other losses like hardship, the environment I live in, my wellbeing – they all interlink.’
Anticipatory grief
Anticipatory grief – the grief that starts before the loss of a pet – is also tied into making life-ending decisions for poorly pets. Many owners become overtaken by what is about to happen instead of being able to make the most of the time remaining:
‘What we quite often advise people to do if they’re going though that is, if you know that sadly it’s going to be terminal or they may not have long to live, do a bucket list, just like you would for a human. Enjoy the time that you have. It is difficult, I know that but it is important to make good memories and make those last days, however long they are, as best as they can be.’
You might like to listen to the podcast for more bucket-list ideas and my personal story of a bucket list for my beloved dog, Dolly
Stories of support
In the podcast, Diane shared examples of support the Blue Cross service has provided and the difference this has made to callers. From a widowed gentleman in the pandemic, whose echo-grief on losing his terrier brought him to his lowest possible point, but who now has a rescue dog and support in his local community, to a bereaved owner who initially called daily as a way of coping but now volunteers for the service, to ‘give back’ to the service that helped so much through her own struggles.
Society’s perspectives on pets
Through the decades this fantastic free service has been supporting pet owners there’s been a significant shift in how we view and treat our pets. But whilst pets are now counted as family members, there’s not always recognition and understanding of this from friends, family and employers when it comes to grief following pet loss.
Diane also works in this field and is actively involved in improving understanding:
‘In the last few years I have to say we have definitely moved on for the better – people are more understanding but it’s only because we’re emphasising to people that they need to understand that the loss of a pet can be a huge loss to the person.
In the environment I work in, we can take our pets to work, we do get bereavement leave – as in compassionate leave of a day when our pet dies. I’m also part of a pet loss network which is people from all over the world and our latest campaign is for people to understand the need for compassionate leave when a pet dies, because the effect can be different on every single one of us.’
Vet practice and pet loss
As part of the veterinary profession, I’ve often felt there’s more to be done when it comes to vets helping clients to manage grief. Diane explained how Blue Cross are also working behind the scenes to support owners, by providing better support, training and resources for vets.
‘We offer training, e-learning and webinars. We go along to talk to universities, practices or organisations about pet bereavement, how to handle clients and emotion and what grief is. We also look at the environment they work in, for example, we’ve gone into purpose-built practices and helped them set up rooms so that people can go in there, they’ll have a quiet room so that they can go through the loss, then talk to and spend their last moments with their pet before it’s actually put to sleep.’
The Blue Cross training for vet professionals also recognises that communication is key, particularly for helping clients manage the guilt that comes with making that final decision:
‘It really is difficult and it is one thing like nothing else I’ve ever worked with. I’ve worked with human loss and animal loss – but animal loss, the guilt factor is huge [..] When I train people I say to them: when you’ve gone through it once, clarify their understanding for that extra few minutes at the end, go back over the important points, give them time. Because often we hear ‘they told me I need to have my animal put to sleep and it was done before I had time to think.’ Give them time, time and space, so long as the animal’s not in pain and suffering, then let them have as much time as they can.’
In recognition of just how busy veterinary practices are, Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Service also provides free sympathy cards for vets to pass on. These cards have details of the service on the back, so that vets can easily support clients by providing the information they need.
Superb service, wonderful volunteers
It’s clear throughout the podcast that Diane’s immensely proud of her hardworking volunteer team and of the impact they’re having on people’s lives.
‘I have to tell you I am immensely proud of every single one of our volunteers […] We have a really beautiful range of people and age groups and I’m really just blown away by their commitment, they are there every day of the year, always.’
Diane outlined the amazing amount of hard work and training the volunteers commit to before reaching the stage of communicating with pet owners using the service:
- Initial contact and enquiry about volunteering: ‘we are very thorough to make sure that we’re right for them and they’re right for us, in the first instance.’
- Interview and written scenario – to ensure understanding about the loss of a pet.
- Training – a comprehensive training period of up to 3 months.
- Practice across the platforms – being involved in practice calls, emails and web chats.
Following this, the service offers a huge back up system of reviewing, retaining and refreshing so that volunteers are fully supported, particularly important as all volunteer roles are remote. Diane shared some of the support in place:
‘Volunteers have mentors allocated to them, so if something is difficult they can contact them. We are behind the scenes for volunteers every hour the line is open. If they do get difficult calls – which they do all the time – we also have something we call time out.’
Many of the volunteers have similar backgrounds and interests which make them a natural fit for the roles: from volunteers who also work for Samaritans and Cruse, to ex-veterinarians, vet nurses and professionals from mental health teams. However, Diane explained that these experiences aren’t essential:
‘The most important thing is that they are people who can be empathetic, compassionate and listen; that they’ve sadly gone through the loss of a pet – it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bereavement but it could be lost or stolen so they’ve experienced a loss. […] And they do it because often they’ve experienced it and a lot of times they’ve used our service. And What we really want is we want people to know we’re there and to understand that as a service we’re there to support and to listen there is no stigma at all about ringing a help line.’
What’s next for Blue Cross Pet Loss services
Funds are always a factor, particularly for a service which is totally free for its users. However, if money was no object, Diane has plans to take the service to the next level. Including virtual face to face counselling, a text service with a personalised support element – no blanket texting – and also developing the use of language services, to reduce language barriers to accessing support.
If you are struggling to cope with the loss of your pet then please do contact the Blue Cross Pet Loss Support service. It’s a really fantastic service and I can’t recommend it enough. You can contact them on 0800 096 6606; email at plsmail@bluecross.org.uk or visit the Blue Cross website.
Supporting pets and their owners through end-of-life, in the peace,calm and familiar surroundings of the home is one of the reasons why Home Goodbye was set up, to offer a calm and compassionate home euthanasia service for pet owners in London. A home euthanasia allows your pet to pass in the peaceful and familiar surroundings of their own home. To arrange a home euthanasia, contact the Home Goodbye support team here
